The text below is from the book I quoted a couple of months ago, "Women and desire", by Polly Young-Eisendrath. Interesting approach that allows to see clearer. Italics are mine:
"Mature dependency, a term I borrow from the psychoanalyst Ronald Fairbairn, means a style of dependency in adult life in which you are grateful, appreciative, and free to depend openly because you know the importance of give-and-take and are dependable as well as dependent. This style of dependency should be a goal in all aspects of adult life, both in the workplace and at home.
Mature dependency is in stark contrast to both the immature, clinging dependency that is exemplified by an infant or young child and the anxious, defensive independency that is exemplified by the adolescent struggling for emancipation....
Instead of believing that we develop from being dependent to being independent human beings, I believe that we develop our ability to be dependent -- from early infant dependency through the dependency of childhood and the defensive pseudoindependency of adolescence to the final mature dependency of adulthood.
Mature dependency is a developmental achievement, available only to those who can establish a mutual rythm of give-and-take with a partner or a friend. One has to be an equal in order to respect that other as much as the self (not more, not less). A key part of mature dependency is trust".
Yes. What I've been vomiting on was immature dependency, what I've been instinctively sceptic of was immature independency. Neither is satisfactory. If we are to grow up, we have to move beyond, acknowledging both our frailty and strength, our dependency and dependability. Then, perhaps, we can access the reality of a partnership built on trust as opposed to a manipulative (in)dependence built on fear.
Thank you so much, Marianna, I find this incredibly helpful. Having struggled, of course, with this very issue to such an extent, I find it comforting that the impulse to dependence is not in itself something pathological but is something that we naturally aspire to in our connectedness with those around us. It is an expression of our mutual need for each other as, ideally, co-creators with God, and we cannot cut ourselves off as if we can exist in isolation. At the same time this notion challenges us to present our wise, grounded and self-focused persona to each other and to expect the same grace from others. It is a true, second half of life realisation.
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