Some souvenirs from a short but intense excursion into the land of the Two – an exciting although absolutely exhausting journey!
Generally speaking, children evolve as Twos if, in their strive for affection, they learn that the key to being loved is being helpful. This happens when their environment – parents and other caregivers – consistently sends the message : “you are loved when you are helpful, caring and self-sacrificing”, and “you are not loved when you request something, do not share or refuse to help”.
Receiving such a message (verbal or non-verbal), little Twos develop an immense helpfulness which goes along with the denial of their own needs. These needs themselves do not go away, though – realities are not changed by repressing them. But as the Twos fear that stating their needs / desires will deprive them of love (parental first, later on that of their partners), and on the other hand the needs in question still have to be satisfied, they learn to hide these needs behind the needs of other people, because the latter are perceived to be more powerful arguments than their own (thanks mum and dad!).
Example: a Two who wants to go to a party will argue by saying : “They really want me to come, I cannot possibly refuse!”. If, on the contrary, she does not want to go, that would become : “Sorry I cannot come, my father wants me to help him with his computer”. Thus, her own desire is “clothed” in the needs/wishes of others. If parents and other significant adults encourage this strategy, the little Twos will learn for life that in order to do what they really want, they must find the reason and justification in others. In doing so, the Twos may completely discharge themselves of all responsibility over their own wishes – “they want me to” becomes a leitmotiv of their lives, so that whatever they are doing, they are doing it “because someone else wants them to”. If a Two is intellectual enough, “they” may be replaced by any kind of abstract imperative, such as the Christian ideal of selfless love; anything at all, in fact, provided it enables Twos to avoid stating their wishes clearly.
Many conflicts with an average or disintegrating Two arise because the partner fails to perceive the ambivalent nature of Two’s verbal communication. Typically, a Two will say, “I am not coming because you will certainly be tired after work”, while in reality he just has his own reasons for not coming (often he would project his own problem on his partner – this is a clue to the real reason, by the way). Unable to state these reasons clearly because of the fear to be perceived as selfish, and remembering that being selfish is punished by withdrawal of love, a Two will hand you over the responsibility for the decision not to come (“it’s not me! It’s you!”).
If you take his statement literally, and honestly say that actually you do not feel tired at all, the Two will be frustrated and may become aggressive, because his real need – that of staying home – is not being perceived, and he is faced with the necessity to find another “selfless” pretext to satisfy it. If, on the contrary, you decode correctly the real need that he is trying to hide, and abound in his sense, the Two feels reassured and may relax, as he follows the pattern that proved to be successful in the past. The worst thing you can do is to ask a Two what he really wants – because she feels that to be direct is to take the risk of being punished by the withdrawal of love. To avoid this, she will say “I do not know!” and wrap up the conversation, leaving the voiceless partner wondering what the heck is going on.
Of course this mechanism is unconscious, so it would be wrong and unfair to picture the Twos as cold and cruel manipulators seeking to appear selfless while they are in fact selfish. The trouble is, the Two perceive the very fact of having desires as “selfish”. Therefore they pursue a totally fantastic ideal whereby un-selfishness equals not having needs. Their ambivalent communication, their inability to come up with a direct statement of their wishes comes from a deep-seated insecurity, from a terrible fragility that begs compassion and understanding. No “shoulds” and “oughts” can heal this fragility – only love that chases away fear is able to pass across the special message to the Two: you are loved for who you really are, what you want is essential to your identity and will never be punished by withdrawal of love.
